‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’ She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sex, darling.’

Little Tony said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

‘Grandma, it isn’t called sex. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’

A little boy was sitting sadly on the curb beside his lawn mower, when along came a minister riding a bicycle. The minister noticed that the boy appeared discouraged, so he thought he would try to help.

“Hello there!” said the minister. “How would you like to trade your lawn mower for this bicycle?”

“Sure, mister,” the little boy responded, and went on his merry way.

A few days later, the boy and the minister crossed paths again. The minister said, “I think you took me on our trade. I keep crankin’ that old lawn mower, but it won’t start.”

“You gotta cuss it,” said the little boy.

“Well I can’t do that,” said the minister. “I’m a preacher. I forgot about cussin’ a long time ago.”

The little boy answered, “Just keep on crankin’, preacher; it’ll come back to ya.”

-Submitted by Van Morris, Mount Washington, Kentucky

I wonder, I can remember when us kids were small and sometimes mischievous, my Mother would get upset and sometimes let a cuss word fly and we would point that out to her and then she would say, well you kids are enough to make a preacher cuss.

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the hell is this?” he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

She replied with a snicker. “It’s not talcum powder, it’s Miracle Grow!!!!!”

You guys just never learn….to not tick off the woman.

HEY~!!  Not EVERYTHING I

post tends to be nasty,  dirty,  filthy,

raunchy and disgusting!

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique used traditionally in Sicily .  The funny thing is that it really does work.

1.  Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2.  Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3.  Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4.  No one knows your secret place.

5.  You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6.  The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7.  The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!!  See?  It really does work. You’re smiling already. Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique.

]]> http://patty72.efx3.com/2009/04/21/need-to-disstress/feed/ 1 http://patty72.efx3.com/2009/04/19/ass-kicking-time/ http://patty72.efx3.com/2009/04/19/ass-kicking-time/#comments Sun, 19 Apr 2009 14:40:47 +0000 patty72 http://patty72.efx3.com/2009/04/19/ass-kicking-time/ Dear Civilians,
‘We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can’t join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:*

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem – kick their ass..

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest – kick their ass.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass..

4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be ‘Special Forces, Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, ‘Do you fly a jet?’ Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

6. If you witness someone calling the *US Coast Guard* ‘non-military’, Inform them of their mistake – and kick their ass.

7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her – of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking. Congress approved for vets to salute and active duty personnel to be able to salute when in plain clothes for the national anthem and the passing of the flag.

8. Don’t try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In- Chief(CinC). The President (for those who didn’t know) is our CinC Regardless of pol itical party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked.

9. ‘Your mama wears combat boots’ never made sense to me – stop saying It! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore could kick your ass!

10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying ‘Let’s go kill those Commies!’ And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. If they keep asking, we will go kick their ass!

11. ‘Flyboy’ (*Air Force*), ‘Jarhead’ (*Marines),* ‘Grunt’ (*Army*), ‘Squid’ (*Navy*), ‘Puddle Jumpers’ (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.

12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing; they could be with their families.. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get it’s ass kicked..’

*’It’s the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.’

*’It’s the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.’

‘It’s the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.’

‘It’s the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.’

*AND ONE MORE::

13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national anthem in Spanish – KICK THEIR ASS.

ONE LAST THING:

If you got this email and didn’t pass it on – guess what -you deserve to get your ass kicked!!!!

The owner of this little Blogmonster has just nipped out to buy some Clever Words and Choice Phrases with which they hope to titillate the senses of you, the Esteemed Reader.

Why don’t you leave them a little gift in the comments box for them to read upon their return? Go on – everybody likes getting parcels in the mail.

If you’re leaving cookies, remember The Crazy People who worked so hard to get you here. They like cookies, too.

(You can edit this post to show your own content, or delete it and make a brand spanking new post all of your very own. We won’t be offended, honest.)